When we are in touch with our narcissist family, there is an existential loneliness in being in contact with them. The real us can never connect with them because they don’t want to know the real us and it’s not safe to be vulnerable with them. There is no win-win situation that can ever play out. It’s difficult to put a boundary in place because they feel like they are being attacked. But also, disagreeing with them is tantamount to them feeling grievously injured and they go into a rage. This is where they feign being a professional victim crying “gaslighting” when they are challenged. If we don’t get our likes and instead get boos and get challenged, we cry “tiger, tiger, help!” Just another ploy of the narcissist to get their supply of kudos, and when they don’t get it- they go into a melt down/temper tantrum.
High conflict people turn others into a target of blame and they discredit and attack you. So they lure you with content whereby they feel justified, and they challenge you to say differently. Then when you do they are offended and become offensive, crying to their friends how their minority rights to hatred- are being slammed.
Three key characteristics of a HCP (high conflict personality) is interpersonal dysfunction, they create repeated problems in relationships by attacking others, withdrawing from them, exacting revenge or expressing extreme anger. Also lack of social awareness. They are oblivious to how they create many of their own problems with other people. Then, lack of change. They rarely change what they do no matter how much trouble it causes themselves or others. They don’t think they have a problem. They think their problems fall from the sky like rain.
15% of people could have a personality disorder. There are five types of HCP, with 2 that can get violent so that’s why it’s important to be able to identify them and stay away from their dysfunction.
The price of stepping off of such relationships would involve letting go of the hope that it can ever be fixed. When we decide to move on, the reward is freedom, peace and the energy to do things for ourselves. We release any attachment or desire about them being a family that all get along, are emotionally supportive, and interested in us. We are giving up the wish that things could be different. And we are forgiving away a life of martyrdom and being a scapegoat to people who feel threatened by even the idea of you existing.