Strong Connections in relationships pave the way for great communication. However, the way we talk and listen to the other can break the connections. When a connection is broken, talking and listening becomes difficult. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be accomplished. Before Connecting and communication with others, there has to be an inner congruence, that each person is responsible for. If a persons mind is in a dark place, everything is shadowed like Eeyores cloud.
This shadow follows them and gives off a negative vibe that repels people. So if they haven’t done their own work, they cannot expect someone else to do it for them.
Putting in a good solid consistent effort over a good length of time ensures then they are able to come to the table and work things out. Rapport is hard to reestablish once trust and resentment have accumulated. And at this point, if they haven’t walked the talk, they aren’t credible enough to make the connections again, not even in joint counselling where one insists the other attend, so the abuser can heal at the victims expense. They can use a clinical setting to also further their abuse. In abusive relationships, this is important when a couple is stuck in an abuse cycle (tension build up, explosion, honeymoon phases). “Sorry’s don’t cut the mustard until a solid effort to change has been witnessed over a long time. Otherwise credibility is weak. Many people can pretend they have changed for a short spell just to manipulate the hurt party to coming back to being close. But overtime it’s evident and then connections can be reestablished, and then talking and listening have a platform to co-exist.
If a person is genuine that they are willing to change, it will come across as real, and not just another opportunity to puke the hatred of themselves that oozes from their pores upon the other. A type of occurrence like this is called “Projective identification” (PI) – an example of this is with Narcissists. PI is defined as how they expel their own qualities on others, but can’t see it in themselves. It’s an unconscious act that they cannot see.
The abuse cycle of a narcissist is different because they cannot get to the honeymoon stage, because they are forever angry and blaming others.
I am going to write more in this and put it on our website. And I will put the link up on my FB profile. I think the awareness of this disorder is imperative.
You may hear me put out a lot of articles on this subject. The reason is not so much because I know 9 of them in my life, it’s because I find the subject fascinating and I study it in conjunction with neuroplasticity of the brain. Plus I have a lot of experience dealing with these people have learned how to deal with them. With knowledge, there’s no going back to ignorance and being gullible and naive.
And there may be people out there who deal with abusers that they don’t understand this type of disorder, they don’t know how to deal with them. And – they internalize the abuse and take the blame. Then the people pleasing codependent relationship occurs. It’s a victim, abuser, perpetrator triangle or rollercoaster of tension and manipulation.
So the best way to deal with people who won’t seek help and are not capable of empathy and compassion for others, is to decrease communication with them until they have healed. Because you can’t change a narcissist, you can only change how you respond rather than live in a reactionary type relationship where toxicity reigns.